I Think I'm A Sofa: The Life and Times of Me

I'm being a girl again

2007-11-23T08:55:00.000-06:00

Friday was . . . insane. I don't know . . . I guess I'm just getting closer and closer to that point where Satan is going all, "Haha, betcha can't keep to your commitment since you've only got six months left." And of course I'm being bull-headed and not asking for God's help, because I want to do it all on my own. Of course if this were all on my own I'd have thrown myself at just about every guy I've ever had a crush on, thus why God is amazing!

It didn't help that Friday I was talking to one guy I have a crush on and then HE shows up. Yeah, haven't seen him in about a year . . . *poof* he just comes out of nowhere. And then I felt that yearning, that yearning that says, "Adrienne, you want a guy so badly. Adrienne you want a strong young man to hold you in his arms. And you're keeping yourself away from that." It's sad when I start to feel like I am taking myself away from something that I deserve, when in all reality I probably deserve to have my heart torn out, ripped in two, and stepped on . . . but thank God for forgiveness. But this is really bugging me.

And then of course I had a dream. This one is a new dream. It was so vivid it was haunting. The dream in itself wasn't scary, it was just how real it felt. It was a dream about my wedding. I won't bore you with the whole thing, but I'll tell you how vivid it actually was, I remember the feel of the coarse hair on my papaw's arm, and how wet the rain felt, and how stressed and freaked out I was. I woke up stressed and freaked out for no other reason then that.

The dream has made me realize two things (possibly more, but just two for now): One- I know that I am supposed to get married. To whom is yet to be shown to me. I just know that whoever he is he is going to be a man after God and he is going to LOVE me. I felt it so strongly in my dream. I won't settle for anything less than that feeling. Two- I am afraid of commitment, especially ones as eternally binding as marriage. It scares me to death, but I want it so badly. I freak out when the words, "I love you." come out of a boyfriends mouth. Chances are that's why my relationship with Noah went south, I mean there were other reasons, but that was my part of the downfall. So obviously, whoever marries me is going to have to expect me to flip out. Which is why I'm going to have to have someone watching me the whole time before the ceremony is complete.

Am I pathetic or what? Oh well . . . at least I finally blogged about something remotely important

P.S. - I wrote this a several days ago on a Myspace blog, and now I'm posting it here. I know . . . I'm being all girly again, but I couldn't help it.

Pain-noun-mental or emotional suffering or torment

2007-09-27T17:39:00.000-05:00

Pain, everyone feels it at some point in there life. Right now, so am I.

I never thought that a shift or change in a friendship of mine would hurt so bad. Perhaps it's just a gap that will close up in a while and we will have that connection that I used to feel so strongly. But what if it's not? What if what I think is just a gap between us is a huge canyon of proportions close to that of the Grand Canyon in Nevada.

To have this gap and know that the friendship is growing weaker hurts. It hurts even worse when you love this person with all your heart. When you will do almost anything to have things the way they were.

What if things aren't actually like you see them? What if things aren't actually that bad? What if you are subconsciously separating yourself from your best friend? But what if it really is time to move on?

What if there is nothing you can do but feel the pain of the moment?
I guess the only answer to that is this: If you must feel pain, feel it well. Live in the moment.

I guess that's all I have to say for now.

Adrienne

The Return

2007-09-25T19:46:00.000-05:00

I've been gone for far too long you guys! I know I haven't been here in a while. On account of my being busy, lazy, and just lack of interest and sometimes a strange mixture of both.

So I come back with an interesting story to tell. Well, not a story, but more of a look into what's going on in my world right now.

Are you ready?

My best friend and I don't generally keep secrets from each other. We have professed to each other our deepest darkest secrets, and not been ashamed to tell each other. We trust each other with our lives and with everything.
Or so was my impression.
Now, I do not know that this is the absolute truth, but this is certainly as it appears. She hides books from me that she keeps in dark book covers. She seems to be hiding things from me and she hints at wanting to tell me something, but never tells me. Now, we often disagree in matters of faith. She knows that if she does something that I disagree with morally that I will be angry that she is doing it, but I will not hate her nor will I shun her. It seems that she is getting into the New Age stuff that she know I am against. The clues are everywhere.

Yet, she won't profess to me anything so I don't want to say for sure. If it is the case, why won't she just come out and tell me. I'll love her just the same. I always have. I feel like she doesn't trust me, and I'm trying my hardest to maintain my trust with her.

It's trying on my soul. It really is.

lighting flashes in your eyes

2007-08-19T23:21:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking, cause you know I do that a lot. I guess I've been think about nature, and God, but don't worry, I'm not going to go all preacher mode on you guys today. I'm just going to simply observe what I think. I will mention God, and I will not apologize for it, but I'm not trying to smack anybody around with His name. Okay?

Out here, where I live, we've been having a drought. I think a lot of places in the United States have been having droughts, it's just that time of year. Our river got low, and now our water supply tastes like mud, whereas it had tasted like a public pool (you know with way too much chlorine?). Of course, I scoffed at them saying they had a drought, because I lived in Sacramento California for a good portion of my life, and I had just gotten back from a vacation there, but it's true, we are indeed in the middle of a drought.

It has been incredibly hot! I mean we had a 109 Fahrenheit degree day the other day, it was in one small area of our city anyhow. It was gross, and it doesn't help that it's always humid. It hasn't rained though, which really sucks.

It's funny how God works though. My sister has been saying that it was going to rain this weekend all week, and she does not watch the weather very often mind you. Now, I'm in no way a meteorologist, but by the looks and feels of things, I didn't believe her for a second.

I am now sitting in my room watching lightning crack, and thunder crash over my house. I don't think it has rained her yet, but it dumped at my grandparents house.

Just when I think that I'm all that, when I get arrogant and cocky, God has a funny way of saying, "Sit down and shut up." Only he says it quite a bit less harsh than I do. It's more like, "Don't talk about what you don't know."

Well, that's all for now, enjoy my photography. I generally only put pictures I take up here, so if it's ever something I didn't take, I'll say something. And if you would like to use any of my pictures (excluding pictures of me or my family) just ask me, okay?

2007-08-08T17:05:00.001-05:00

Smooshy

2007-08-08T10:07:00.001-05:00

Well, I was going to say that I hate to post about the guys that I like in my blog . . . but lets face it . . . I love it. I like guys, and even though I have made a commitment not to have a boyfriend until I turn 18, I still have feelings about them. You know, those ooshy-gushy-smooshy feelings that make you want to puke all over your keyboard? Yes, I still have those, I mean I'm a teenage girl. I can't get away from that.

There's this one guy I like, but I know I could never go out with him. Not because he's not worthy of me . . . I would feel like a backstabbing twerp who went out with her best friend's ex-boyfriend. I don't think she'd feel that way about it as she doesn't harbor any hard feelings or any hatred toward him. However, I just don't think it's right. But he's sweet, I remember when she was going out with him thinking, 'Wow, he is really sweet.' and 'She's so lucky.'

The other, he's younger than me, I think. I don't even know. He's really cool. He's fun, and he and I share the same . . . eccentricities. If that's how you would say it. I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me though. I've never really hinted anything, so I don't expect him to like jump right into the role of Romeo in my twisted version of the already twisted play Romeo and Juliet.

So yeah, I am human! Believe it or not! I get those mushy feelings all the time. And sometimes I wonder if I'm an alien. (Thus the tinting in the picture.)

Well, that's all for now folks! Um . . . eat . . . food. Be awesome like you already are, and remember . . . that um if you read this, I love you. Because you read it and stuff.

Adrienne

The Tagging Game

2007-08-07T13:28:00.000-05:00

I've been officially tagged by angelofdelusion!!!!!!

It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)

Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers.

Try to make your tip general. After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends!

Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!

1. Look, read, and learn.
http://www.neonscent.com***

2. Be EXCELLENT to each other.
http://www.bushmackel.com****

3. Don’t let money change ya!
http://www.therandomforest.info****

4. Always reply to your comments
http://chattiekat.com****

5. Blog about what you know & love.
http://sugar-queens-dream.blogspot.com****

6. Don't use filthy language-buy a dictionary.
http://shinade.blogspot.com***

7. Whenever possible, spread some positive thoughts and love. The world needs more of them.
http://ailema4ever.blogspot.com***

8. Write down from your heart or head. Either way asks yourself why you ever get started.
http://chocmintgirl.blogspot.com*

9. Be honest, be tactful but honest.
http://angelofdelusion.blogspot.com*

10. Enjoy what you do, be passionate about it. Passion is infectuous.
http://www.fordsofa.blogspot.com

------------------

The People I Am Tagging Are:
1. Mondaymorningpower
2. Rollie
3. Gracie
4. Glass Bottle
5. Yen

Well, I don't have ten people as of yet, but perhaps I will at some point.

I'll Smash Right Through Your Spotlight

2007-08-07T11:46:00.000-05:00

I finally got to see a bunch of my old friends yesterday! That was so exciting. Sometimes I don't realize how much I miss some people until I am completely glomped by them on a sunny Monday morning! It made me reminisce about the good times we had, and then I was no longer depressed. I remember that even though there was bad, there was so much good that it should have smothered the bad and made me let it go. However, I guess I was just too comfortable with my depression that I didn't realize it.

So now, I am happy. I feel good about life. I am looking for a job, and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get one today, at a place that I've worked before, so that will be totally awesome. And I liked working there, it just doesn't pay to terribly much, but some pay is better than no pay!

I'd like to thank all of you for reading and commenting, I've just now gotten the time to get on and blog again, for those of you whom I have not commented back: I promise that I am getting to it!

Peace,
Adrienne

My Soul (Pt. 1)

2007-08-04T21:55:00.000-05:00

I know second blog of the evening, but this one is of a totally different subject of the other one, and I didn't want them to be together. It didn't feel right.

I would like to just show you a bit of my soul, bare my heart.
I am seventeen now, and I think ever since I was fifteen I have become easily depressed and rather . . . erratic. My emotions swing from high to low in moments, and I don't think I am bi-polar. If it is, I refuse to take medicines for it anyhow, I've seen what those medicines do to people. Maybe it's the natural process of being a person. I think it may have something to do with death, guilt, a break up, and general confusion.

Just before we had my dog Corky put down, I broke up with my boyfriend of just over two years. In fact, sometime near the fourteenth of this month would be our fourth year together, if we hadn't broken up. That was hard on me, at first I didn't feel it, and I thought I was horrible for it. However, pretty soon I felt horrible and I got depressed, though not as bad as I would in a few weeks time.

I was the one who was left with the finalizing of the decision to put Corky to sleep. He had been my best friend through nearly twelve years of my life. He was my favorite. He was my friend when I had none. As I type about this moment in my life I feel my soul wrenching, and I crying. Nobody understood just how much I loved him, but I had to let him go, because he wasn't living, he was just barely surviving. I never felt so vulnerable and fragile than at that moment in my life when one of my sisters and I sat there and cried before he was taken away.

Of course two years passed, I felt guilty for Corky. I knew it had to be done, but I didn't want it that way. I got another boyfriend, who though I could tell he loved me, I was his . . . glue. His life, family, and world were not great, in fact they were broken and dysfunctional. And I was the one he wanted to fix it. I didn't want to let him down, but at the same time, I knew I couldn't do it. Fixing everything that isn't mine was a monumental task that only God can do, and I'm not God. I tried to explain it to him, and he tried to change the way he thought and acted, but he did things and said things without even saying it. So I couldn't take it. We broke up, and I've promised God and myself that I wouldn't date until I turn 18.

A task which is proving more and more difficult. Which I had my own struggles, I pursued some and others pursued me. However, I've managed to hold on to my promise.

And then we put down Mikey . . . .
As you can see . . . The last 2 years or so have been . . . difficult, and confusing. Not to mention school, which is much harder now that I'm in my senior year of high school, and I have to find a college to go to.
It's all so difficult, and I feel lost.

Adrienne

What About It?

2007-08-04T20:31:00.000-05:00

Warning: This blog post may contain high amounts of opinion, preaching, and toe-stepping. It is advisable to remember that this is a blog to no one in particular. If you feel like I have targeted you, do not feel offended, I say what I mean to say. I don't apologize for saying it, but I will apologize if I seem rude. Thank you, if you wish, read on.

http://www.dicitonary.com/ defines the word apathy as : 1. Absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement; 2. Lack of interest or concern for things that others find moving or exciting. I'm pretty sure that this explains a huge problem with general society today. Many people are apathetic to everything but themselves. Often times, they don't realize it. I'm not just talking about troubles in other countries, poverty, or war. No! I'm talking about what happens with your neighbor, or what happens to your best friend. How often do you actually talk to your neighbor? Do you even get out of your car to check your mail? Now before you get all puffed up, I will add, that I don't talk to my neighbors often, at all! I don't even know most of their names. This part has come from a conviction I have had, so you must know that I target myself to. Also, your friends: Do you take time to really listen to them? Even when they don't have a problem, or is the only time you listen when you do have a problem? Think about it, and don't talk to me about it, but if you think this applies to you, work on it. I think that apathy also has a lot to do with your actions. Many people pay lip service, but never do anything. I remember this commercial I saw once, these people were crowded around a trash can, complaining about a piece of trash that was lying on the ground. However, none of them acted, they just talked about how horrible and disgusting it is. Then, this guy, who says nothing, breaks through the circle and picks up the trash and throws it away, and keeps walking. People will know what we stand for and how we feel by our actions more than our words.

I think another huge problem within society today is prioritization. I don't just mean simple tasks. I mean prioritizing how important certain things in your life. I hear so much about conserving the Earth I live on, to stop fighting, saving trees, and saving animals; before I go on I might add that these are all beautiful causes, however they are blown way out of proportion. What about my friends who live in Hell? Their homes are a wreck, but they cannot get out because the system doesn't care. How about that innocent baby that never got to see light? What about your friends? What about the people in your community who have no homes, no food? Did you even know that there are people starving in your community, or did you assume that people only starve in Third World countries. I am just so tired of it. I will take action, and when I find that action, I will let you know. I've tried to help my friends who live in Hell, but my attempts failed because nobody listens to a teenager- even one with no record.

I thought I should just get it out before I exploded. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of myself for being guilty of everything, and I need to fix it. As do some of you I'm sure. Maybe not, maybe I don't know anything and I am completely wrong, but I don't think I am.

Thanks for reading.

Be a peace-bringer, not a peace-breaker, okay.

Adrienne

The Beginning

2007-08-03T21:49:00.001-05:00

I wanted this blog to big and explosive. You know what I mean? I wanted to have readers from around the globe, and I wanted them to take an interest in what I have to say. I have my point of views. I know where I stand. Most of my opinions clash with the opinions of the general population. If anybody reads this, you will probably laugh at me, or be angry with me. Either way, you probably won't agree with anything I have to say. I share my opinions so that you may get another point of view. I don't really like to argue or debate with people. I prefer to say what I have to say, and if you don't agree with what I have to say, you can decide whether or not you wish to forgive me for being different than you.

My family and I just recently (by recently I mean last Friday) put my dog down. He was a sweet tempered dog, who was incredibly fluffy and big. He meant a lot to me, Mikey did. After we put my dog Corky down in September of '05, Mikey was my comfort. He listened to me, and he let me hug him and cry on him, even though he smelt bad. He used to be playful, until he got depressed because of Corky. Now I'm left with Shelly, the hyper, squirmy puppy. But she is absolutely adorable. And she thinks she can howl, but the Jack Russel that interrupts her Beagle makes that hard to do.

Yeah, that's all for now.

Peace.